First of all, yes, I have been rather prolific in this 24 hour period. Well, I guess I've just done a lot of thinking today.
Now, on to the topic. I realized today, after making a sarcastic quip to Tim, that all of my friends really do live in my computer. And so I began to wonder why this would be. I have a fairly good sense of humor, I tend to be a people-pleaser in some situations (and for any possible in-laws reading, you're right; sometimes my aim is to be contrary). The fact is, though, that making and keeping friends are tough goals for me. The older I get, the more I tend to hold people at arm's length, and to question their motives. I do make friends in certain settings. Compared to the rest of my life, law school was a social cornucopia for me. But now that I've decided I don't want to be a lawyer, I keep up with only a handful of my fellow alums, and only rarely. I get along well, most of the time, with my coworkers. I like many of them, and think they are great people. But Tim and I rarely go out with other people, and we have almost no mutual friends. So I'm left with my computer. My younger self scoffed at people who relied on chat rooms and on-line dating. Now, I'm forum-obsessed, and I'm blogging of all things. Forums are great for me, though. The people I "meet" through them are there when I need them. When I need space, I log off. I should be forgiven for my reticence, however. Live with a mysterious chronic illness that doesn't have an outward "tell" and one is often met with skepticism. Honestly, do people tell quadriplegics that it's all in their head? That they should quit relying on their wheelchair, that perhaps they are addicted to it? For the healthy crowd, only so many canceled plans and pleas for patience are allowed. After all, it's just a headache. "Again?!?!?" they cry, when you say that you can't make it to dinner tonight. I sometimes feel like screaming, "If it bothers you, think what it's doing to me!"
Thus, I have resorted to cyber relationships, beyond the real ones I have with husband and family and coworkers. If I don't sign on for the day, it's usually not noticed, or it's met with concern. I don't really know whether to be sad, amazed, or grateful for the fact that I've never been in the same room with one of my best friends. We just have long, great phone conversations, and copious email messages. I found my doctor through the computer, I do most of my shopping through the computer, and my entertainment also lies within the modem (thank God for Netflix). Sometimes I worry that I'm headed for all-out agoraphobia. I think my job is one of the few things that connects me to real people. I save all my love for the human race, and exude it in 8 hour doses. Is it any wonder that my patients love me? I'm the nurse that wants to sit and talk to them, that gets to know the whole family in one shift, that brings in gifts for the long-term patients on holidays. If I'm at work, I'm usually feeling okay, and therefore I am at my most charming and giving.
Don't fear readers, I've not completely turned into a manifesto-writing hermit. I do have a few real life friends. My very best friend in the whole world lives one state over. We've been friends since nursing school. We've been together through marriages and breakups, deaths and new turns in life. Even if our schedules prevent us from speaking for a couple of months, with one minute on the phone we are right back together, filling in each others sentences. But I wonder if we'd still be so close if we lived in the same town. She's full-out energy. She works at two large ERs in one of the largest cities of the south as her "part time" work. Her full time job is as a flight nurse, doing 24 hour shifts. She also finds time to fit in church, many friends, family, and 2 dogs and a cat into her schedule. If she were subjected too many times to my "I can't, I feel bad today", would she still stick around? I don't know.
But, I do still have a small circle of care. Whether they live in my house or in West Virginia, Montana or Texas, they are there for me. I haven't completely turned into the crazy old cat lady, the one everyone in the neighborhood talks about. Then again, that may be on the way.<smile> I do talk to the cat an awful lot.
