life is, well, life

If any of you are still out there reading, I'm sorry for my absence.  I just get really sick of talking about my migraines.  They are my life, they consume me and affect every thing I do and think.  And now that I've thrown trying to conceive into my already chaotic, miserable life,  I have even less I feel like talking about.  We have reached the point where in vitro fertilization is probably my only option.  In vitro is expensive and offers no guarantees.  But how do I accept a "no" and go on?  I can't.  I hate that my life is so in control of others and other things.  I don't have the final say over anything.  I cannot even decide to just go for the IVF, because I'm married and it's his choice, too.  I feel bound and tied by the wishes and needs of others.  We went to a movie tonight, and because of the subject matter there were a lot of teen girls in the theater.  And I remembered what that was like, and it made me sad.  When I was 18 I had the world at my feet and all the potential to make it what I wanted.  I answered to no one except my parents, and at that point they just wanted me to make something of my life.  I was healthy, I was pretty, and I had a million choices and options.  And I made them, and I can't go back.  And I'll always wonder if they were the right choices.  If I'd married someone else, would I have started trying to conceive earlier, and therefore avoided all these problems?  If someone had told me when I was 18 that this would be my life at 35, I don't know that I would have continued on with life.  I hate hurting all the time.  I hate working every day with pregnant women, many who do nothing but piss and moan about the irritations of pregnancy; I would give anything to be in their place.  I hate being 35 and knowing that this is my life.  This is as good as it gets, unless something miraculous happens.  And I don't know if I can face that existence.

On a lighter note, my dear cat keeps me constantly entertained and loved.  I understand how women become that old crazy lady with all the cats.  It doesn't seem like such a bad way to be.  To be loved by a cat is to be truly loved, because they do not throw their affections about lightly.  A small house surrounded by cats and NO people?  Sounds like as close as we get to heaven on earth.