Life in my head...

Fertility frustrations

I started out with my fertility specialist so hopeful.  Now I've been through 3 rounds of Clomid, an IUI, a round of letrazole, and now I have to decide if we're going to do another IUI tomorrow.  That was the plan, but I only have one mature follicle, so it seems like a complete waste of money this month.  I called to cancel my IUI appointment, and the scheduling girl told me that if I changed my mind, I could call their after-hours line.  Now how could she know that I'm going back and forth in mind about this, second guessing our decision?  I guess experience working in the fertility clinic with hormonal, hopeful women.  So maybe a baby this month, with a miracle.  If not, I'll start on injectables next month.  That should be fun when combined with my migraines.  I've had 90 days of pain due to all the hormones.  Somehow, I think our future child may hear about that when they hit the Terrible Teens and say things like, "I wish I were never born!"

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I'm a Protestant, but I think I'm coming to believe in purgatory.  Purgatory is being almost 35 and being forced to work with two twenty-somethings.  The constant personal phone calls, texting, and inane conversation is enough to put one over the edge.  Add a brand-new marriage for one of them (let's call her I'm The Better Christian and I Have Big Fake Boobs--or Barbie Bitch for brevity's sake) that is so obviously a fairy tale here on earth, and I spend most of my work time in great need of Phenergan.  A few weeks ago, Barbie Bitch gave me a religious lecture.  Obviously if I were a better Christian, I wouldn't have migraines, and I'd be pregnant.  Look at her, she's got just the right amount of piety, and she landed Prince Charming!  I managed to hold it together after this exchange, but this weekend my bitch claws came out, helped by the massive doses of hormones I'm taking.  Apparently, my chronic illness, through my call-ins, is interfering with Her Perfect Life.  After the millionth subtle reminder that I suck, I let her have it.  I felt like I was back in high school, and I HATE that.  I'm an adult, I want to deal in adult situations and work with other adults.  Pray for me that I might get out of nursery school!